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Beltane 2023
May. 1st, 2023 09:02 amSheesh it's been so many months since I posted. That's because not a damn thing has happened since I went to CA in November for work. That was a great trip because I got to see my CA friends again, plus, you know, employed. Since coming back I haven't gone anywhere or done anything except worked my new job. So on one hand, boring. On the other hand, it's felt like a LOT has happened and everything has changed.
My new job is really strange. I have very little supervision, and I'm expected to pretty much find things to do (document) and do them. I thought I really didn't like that and that I wanted/needed more supervision and oversight ... and then I got lent out to another department where they are micromanaging me to the point of changing a set of regular parentheses ( ) to square brackets [ ] for no real reason, plus they are not consistent about it, which drives my editor soul batshit crazy. For awhile I was getting pretty stressed about it all, but now I'm like whatever. I was also processing applications for awhile (applications to be involved in this community solar program), which I HATED, but I seem to be done with that. Anyway, the point is, this job is REALLY strange. I've had a paid job since I was a teenager, and this is by far the weirdest job I've ever had. They pay me well and I want to be a good employee who is engaged and does a good job, but after 8 months, I'm still sort of floating in the wind, and nothing I do seems to really matter or get used very much. So I'm disengaging, which is really too bad.
I'm still getting used to working full time from home. It's lonely. Some weeks I don't even leave the house. I tried working at the library a couple of times, but the internet connection was not very reliable. Still, I may try again, just to get myself out of the house once a week. I guess I could try a cafe, and maybe I will once the students leave for the summer and it's less busy/noisy/germy.
There’s so much going on in my head lately, and I'm not writing about it. Trying to figure out what the heck I’m doing with my life. Am I wasting it? Or am I just taking some much needed time to be still? Should I quit my job? Should I restart therapy? Should I try to get rehab for my shoulder or wait longer? Should I try to find a personal trainer or just muddle through by myself like always? Should I seriously try to diet or accept the futility of dieting? Is all of this angst and nonsense just part of menopause? If so, will it get better?
I don’t know, I feel like this is to be an internal year. It’s been a full year since I rage quit my last job, and this next year … is me trying to figure out and create a new daily routine/life/existence for myself. It’s ok that I haven’t got it figured out, right? Right?
(And, as usual, I feel guilty whining about my life when I know how very lucky and privileged I actually am.)
My new job is really strange. I have very little supervision, and I'm expected to pretty much find things to do (document) and do them. I thought I really didn't like that and that I wanted/needed more supervision and oversight ... and then I got lent out to another department where they are micromanaging me to the point of changing a set of regular parentheses ( ) to square brackets [ ] for no real reason, plus they are not consistent about it, which drives my editor soul batshit crazy. For awhile I was getting pretty stressed about it all, but now I'm like whatever. I was also processing applications for awhile (applications to be involved in this community solar program), which I HATED, but I seem to be done with that. Anyway, the point is, this job is REALLY strange. I've had a paid job since I was a teenager, and this is by far the weirdest job I've ever had. They pay me well and I want to be a good employee who is engaged and does a good job, but after 8 months, I'm still sort of floating in the wind, and nothing I do seems to really matter or get used very much. So I'm disengaging, which is really too bad.
I'm still getting used to working full time from home. It's lonely. Some weeks I don't even leave the house. I tried working at the library a couple of times, but the internet connection was not very reliable. Still, I may try again, just to get myself out of the house once a week. I guess I could try a cafe, and maybe I will once the students leave for the summer and it's less busy/noisy/germy.
There’s so much going on in my head lately, and I'm not writing about it. Trying to figure out what the heck I’m doing with my life. Am I wasting it? Or am I just taking some much needed time to be still? Should I quit my job? Should I restart therapy? Should I try to get rehab for my shoulder or wait longer? Should I try to find a personal trainer or just muddle through by myself like always? Should I seriously try to diet or accept the futility of dieting? Is all of this angst and nonsense just part of menopause? If so, will it get better?
I don’t know, I feel like this is to be an internal year. It’s been a full year since I rage quit my last job, and this next year … is me trying to figure out and create a new daily routine/life/existence for myself. It’s ok that I haven’t got it figured out, right? Right?
(And, as usual, I feel guilty whining about my life when I know how very lucky and privileged I actually am.)
